Horny; It's an energy.

A few days ago, I connected with my therapist over Zoom. I have been doing this every week since isolation started. I thought we would talk about my usual issues like trauma and adolescent regressions, but as soon as we logged into our session I threw her HUGE a curveball.

WHY AM I FEELING SO HORNY RIGHT NOW?


To understand the lens I am looking through here, I have had a very LOW sex drive over the past year. For good reason, I was in an accident a couple years ago that shook me right down to the core of my system. My nervous system was jacked and sex or any type of enjoyment was the last thing on my mind. I was comfortable in my

pain, it was predictable. I am recognizing these feels may be more predominant than a rising libido.


Ironically, it took the world to come to a pause for ME to be devoured even just by the tickling thought of sex or enjoyment of any sort. If you're extra horny right now and feel kind of weird about it, given that the world seems to be crumbling around us, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you are feeling ANYTHING at this time, let yourself be okay with it, let yourself honor it, LET yourself lean in. If you are NOT, "into it" at all lately, let that be okay too. There is a collective shock on our society right now, so let whatever IT is, be OKAY.


Like you, I have been in isolation for over 2 months and in that time I have cycled through a semi-truck of emotions. I have fought, I have surrendered, I have laughed and cried, I have blamed and owned, I have learned and taught, and most of all have done found new ways to listen and understand what feels GOOD in life.


This all began about a month ago on my birthday when my man decided to start designing a new website for our business AND chipping indoor golf balls down the hall, using my head as his target, on his breaks. Most would find this rather bothersome while writing and creating, BUT NOOOOO, all I could think about was "hitting", HIM down the hall.

Lately, we’ve all had to make peace with uncertainty and settle on some really tough decisions within our homes, that includes us. We were set to get married on July 11th this year. Planning a wedding is NO easy task at all, as some of you already know. Especially for two kids who quite frankly despise planning altogether. I poured my heart into what was going to be the rawest, real, and most authentic wedding of my dreams. Hosted in my parent's backyard with the most sugared vibes. I was to wear my mama's wedding dress that was handmade by my grandmother and modernized by a tailor and designed by me. I had buried my feelings about the possibility that we had to cancel our wedding for a while.


Then, not too long ago, I couldn't keep my shit together any longer. I was two negroni's (maybe even three) deep, sitting across the table form the love of my life, I say, "Jord, I think we need to cancel our wedding". I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine with the purest love in his. He said nothing and everything in that same look. I was his forever and no matter the circumstance.

We have felt darkness from all facets, small business owners like my dad or the army of health workers like my clients, and some friends. Our entire alternative health and movement community and those who are self-employed like myself and my entire KRU. Industry/service workers like Jordan and my sister to the seniors who are missing weddings and grads and milestone moments with the little ones in their family. I feel those who are struggling with anxiety and depression being indoors, and that how the loss of work could make that weight much, much, more.  I feel sorrow for those who have lost loved ones and anyone else who feels any pain at all.


I am not sure when, but when my mama and pops walk me down the aisle, bare-foot, custom dress, groovin' down toward a magical man I fell in love with a decade ago, it will mean SO much and be so much SWEETER because we had to have patience and wait. We will say our I DO's, look out into the crowd of stunning humans with their arms around each other (NOT SOCIAL-DISTANCING), hugging, dancing, and loving the night away.

"It often takes more COURAGE to be a passenger than a driver"


Author: E.L. Konigsburg

So while this pandemic has knocked things completely upside down with lots of negative impacts. I send gratitude to this great shift and powerful pause. While I DON'T welcome the pain, suffering, and lives lost, I DO welcome change, more love, and creative connection. Whether that is learning how to love intimacy again or just simply learning to come home to your heart, I respect and share this shift with you.


Now, I sit here legs crossed on a bar stool typing toward the kitchen watching my beautiful man cook me dinner and nothing else matter other than what I have right here. As for my vivid sexual thoughts on my birthday morning, I was diverted to birthday calls and family FaceTimes. But then dusted off my little vibrator, and went into our bedroom until he joined, that may be a little much for some of you but that's okay too. The world may look like it's coming to an end, but shit, IT'S NOT so let's make sure to taste every bit of enjoyment goodness before it does.


Many waves of love to you all. May we break through this time with positivity together, and a little more WILD inside!


I love you, I feel you, I see you.


Love,


A xo

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